The Journey
I could never have imagined how insanely difficult, heartbreaking but beautiful the road to motherhood would be. I won’t bore you with too many details and will try my hardest to keep this piece as positive as possible for all you beautiful beings who are currently on your own journey to motherhood.
It will be raw in parts because that can’t be avoided if I am to tell the full story. Before we get into the nitty gritty I am super happy to say that this journey has given my husband and I two beautiful girls. The gratitude I have for these babies is indescribable they have both taught me so much and continue to do so on a daily basis.
Twenty seven years young, absolutely petrified of needles and severely pi**ed off that this was happening to me, I began the journey. Getting my head around the whole process was challenging, with the help of my very amazing naturopath I got my head around what I had to do to make this dream a reality. Always find that one person who can listen to you the way you need to be heard, this one of the key things I offer my clients.
Note we had structural issues not infertility so unfortunately it was not something I could remedy naturopathically otherwise I certainly would have tried. Anna my naturopaths guidance throughout including her helping me to restore my body afterwards has been a driver in my own naturopathic practice I am now grateful for this experience because I now not only have textbook knowledge I have practical knowledge and that is one of the fabulous qualities I bring to my practice.
The process 18 years ago when we first embarked on this journey was pretty average, with my husband and I being taken into a room with another couple to get our instructions, I mean seriously like you want to be around other people when you are getting your instructions talk about impersonal. Fortunately the other couple were as pi**ed with this approach as we were and we got our separate time.
The head nurse at the time was pretty damn average in her treatment of me as well, the woman had not one ounce of empathy which doesn’t fly with me especially under the circumstances. I am pleased to say that when we went back 5 years later they handled things much better and that particular nurse was well gone. I must clarify that every other nurse I encountered throughout the journey was fabulous.
The first injection was daunting but it was also game changing for me I was absolutely petrified of needles. My husband gave me the first jab because I was so scared but it turns out that was the easy part in comparison to the emotions I would go on to experience. After that first jab I was away, I did every single injection myself for the rest of the journey including the trigger which is like a huge horse needle. This was my first awakening as to just how strong I really am, this was crucial because much later in the journey I would need this strength.
For me the physical process of IVF was really pretty simple apart from feeling tired I felt pretty good. It was the emotional rollercoaster that tipped me. That began with the news that IVF was my only option if I wanted babies. Like any grieving process you go through a range of emotions, initially it was anger, this is perfectly normal and it’s crucial at this point to be around people who let you express this. Next came fear, fear of the unknown, normal too, express it, express it all! The rollercoaster is intense and you just have to do what you have to do to get through.
When you are going through IVF it seems like literally everyone around you is getting pregnant, this is tough. As an awesome human you are happy for these people but you are also sad for yourself that is ok, embrace your sadness decent humans will understand and tread carefully around you (if you are the pregnant friend of someone going through IVF, know she is happy for you but give her space and acknowledge her emotions). IVF is the time you need to nurture yourself; no one can tell you how you should feel you need to trust your gut, find things and people who make you feel good. For me it was lots of long walks alone, plenty of nourishing food, rest, surrounding myself with crystals and other objects of beauty I had picked up over the years, I also surrounded myself with people who vibrated on the same frequency as me I wasn’t interested in any negative people or IVF statistics, negative people and numbers have never been my thing!
I found that people said a lot of stupid stuff to me when I was on this journey most of it was out of sheer ignorance rather than malice but very unhelpful all the same. I advise people that have never been in this situation to refrain from offering advice, offer an ear instead, listening is far more effective. Your situation is your own, how you choose to deal with it is your choice, be kind to yourself and your partner this is a time that will test you both in many ways.
For me the most difficult part was all the waiting (I am a planner and I like to know where I am and what is ahead, that isn’t how IVF works). First it was the wait to see if I produced eggs, then it was the wait to see if those eggs fertilised and went on to become embryos? The worst of all was the am I pregnant wait, only eleven tiny days out of your life (for some people shorter depending on what day the embryo was mine were all day 3), eleven days that may as well have been eleven years!!! Now that was excruciating there is no way I can actually describe how that feels. Then there is the absolute elation that comes with the phone call that confirms the pregnancy but the other side of the coin is the devastation that comes with the other phone calls you can receive on this journey, “I’m so sorry you’re not pregnant or the you are pregnant but your levels are falling instead of rising, or all your remaining embryos stopped growing”, those phone calls are the ones that break you but also teach you so much.
I’ve had them all, two straight up no you’re not pregnant, one yes you are pregnant but your levels are falling so basically in a couple of days you won’t be pregnant, one all your remaining embryos stopped growing and two yes you are pregnant. Those two yes you are pregnant calls I remember like they were yesterday, the others are still there but I try not to dwell on those as they have shaped me into even more of an empathetic being than I was before. They have given me so much valuable insight into my strength of character, so much life experience which has helped me to become the nurturing, inspiring mother and naturopath I am today.
Fortunately my first phone call was the “you are pregnant” type, followed by one “sorry you’re not pregnant” and one “you are technically pregnant but your levels are dropping”. That was round one! After our first baby and the two failed attempts a few years went by and I followed another passion of mine and started studying naturopathy. Towards the end of my studies after years of turmoil wanting another baby (no one not even those closest to me will ever come close to understanding how tumultuous those years were) I was fortunate enough to try again. The second time was not successful, I had an embryo transferred but all the remaining embryos stopped growing then on the day of the pregnancy test I got my period, that was soul destroying, no words will ever come close to how that felt! Fast forward another four months and after completing a two week stint in New Plymouth surrounded by other beings who vibrate on a similar frequency to me (all my beautiful naturopathic classmates) I did it all again. Six years and six days after the arrival of our first precious miracle daughter our second equally precious miracle daughter arrived!
The journey was long with lots of twists and turns but the end result was what I had dreamed. I know that my positivity and holistic approach to life all contributed to the final outcome. So if you are in this situation then please do whatever it takes; seek out alternative treatments to optimise the results, pray, run, cry, laugh, hang out with friends or retreat into solitude, let your inner voice guide you.
Always nurture yourself mind, body and soul in ways that feels right for you, read my restorative practice blog for great ideas. My eyes will always water when I hear IVF stories; once you’ve lived it it becomes part of you. Sending strength and love to anyone currently on their journey to motherhood, “nourish your soul my darling for that is where true peace resides”
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